Surprises of all surprises ! I've decided to move out of the farm. Doesn't it seem like a statement gone wrong ? Coz, I've decided to move to the farm appeared so much like that historical decision, that no coming backwards step ! Life ! can it stop surprising ? Or may be it's just confused me ?
Reasons ? Many to be frank. One to be true.
Many :
1.) I am unable to get my finances sorted even after 6 years of farm life. I still depend on family , friends and other strange , unreliable sources of money.
2.) Don't wish to take family support anymore due to some issues with me and my family.
3.) My family can very well take care of my expenses forever but the issue i see is that they don't appeal to the cause. So, I am not confortable getting them to finance me, even if it's for few more years till I figure my finances out.
4.) I feel I have done almost nothing in last 6-7 years.
5.) I've failed to take bumber crops, I've failed to create an organic movement or a mud house for myself. I've failed to create vegetable crops, I've failed to plan fruit trees, I've failed to create a so called succesful farm.
6.) My value has been reduced. I feel my presence has been taken for granted at family. All kinds of funny works are directed towards me because I don't work !
7.) I came all the way leaving Mysore primarily to be close to my family. My family has visited not even 7 times in 7 years at my farm. It disappoints.
8.) The local support of people is also not very inspiring.
9.) My relationship withing farm say with Shantanu is also not very rewarding or smooth, other family - say Tapan has moved to Delhi and hardly visits me. So, yeah it does gets lonely at times.
10.) I don't see going ahead like this ! Where will I reach. No money, no support of people. No clear vision.
11.) I feel a break will be good for me and for priyamvada who just just lived here only, never elsewhere. She got pushed into farm life from one to another. She might enjoy living else where as an experience.
12.) A break from this place will give me some more clarity.
13.) The farm itself has failed to make any mark on anyone except very few. Noone has moved, planning to move or is planning to associate with farm in anyway. I miss working together.
well, I shall stop at no. 13 ! ;-) Else we can go on and on.....
But the one and only one reason is -
1.) I don't feel like being here anymore.
There is definitely an element of escapism in it, one that I've done many times. I don't want to fight with the challenges here and feel like putting my head in sand for sometime will solve it for me. Nevertheless, I am really fed up being here alone, without vision, without money, without other people who nourish and flourish together.
So, where am I headed - well kids are my priority now for next 5-10 years. They will be the primary parameter for decisions to come.
Ideal setting is - a place like farm, an initiative like farm that pays salary and has more people to work with on something really valuable and meaningful.
I am both little sad and happy, little excited and nervous about this move.
But I know - looking back - ! that all life gives is lessons to grow saner ! All I have is deep gratitude for life and all it's nuances.
:-) let's see where I write next blog from...
this is from farm ;-)
