Well ! Did I see this coming ?

Surprises of all surprises ! I've decided to move out of the farm. Doesn't it seem like a statement gone wrong ? Coz, I've decided to move to the farm appeared so much like that historical decision, that no coming backwards step ! Life ! can it stop surprising ?  Or may be it's just confused me ?

Reasons ? Many to be frank. One to be true.

Many :
1.) I am unable to get my finances sorted even after 6 years of farm life. I still depend on family , friends and other strange , unreliable sources of money.

2.) Don't wish to take family support anymore due to some issues with me and my family.

3.) My family can very well take care of my expenses forever but the issue i see is that they don't appeal to the cause. So, I am not confortable getting them to finance me, even if it's for few more years till I figure my finances out.

4.) I feel I have done   almost nothing in last 6-7 years.

5.) I've failed to take bumber crops, I've failed to create an organic movement or a mud house for myself. I've failed to create vegetable crops, I've failed to plan fruit trees, I've failed to create a so called succesful farm.

6.) My value has been reduced. I feel my presence has been taken for granted at family. All kinds of funny works are directed towards me because I don't work !

7.) I came all the way leaving Mysore primarily to be close to my family. My family has visited not even 7 times in 7 years at my farm. It disappoints.

8.) The local support of people is also not very inspiring.

9.) My relationship withing farm say with Shantanu is also not very rewarding or smooth, other family - say Tapan has moved to Delhi and hardly visits me. So, yeah it does gets lonely at times.

10.) I don't see going ahead like this ! Where will I reach. No money, no support of people. No clear vision.

11.) I feel a break will be good for me and for priyamvada who just just lived here only, never elsewhere. She got pushed into farm life from one  to another. She might enjoy living else where as an experience.

12.) A break from this place will give me some more clarity.

13.) The farm itself has failed to make any mark on anyone except very few. Noone has moved, planning to move or is planning to associate with farm in anyway. I miss working together.


well, I shall stop at no. 13 ! ;-) Else we can go on and on.....


But the one and only one reason is -
1.) I don't feel like being here anymore. 

There is definitely an element of escapism in it, one that I've done many times.  I don't want to fight with the challenges here and feel like putting my head in sand for sometime will solve it for me. Nevertheless, I am really fed up being here alone, without vision, without money, without other people who nourish and flourish together.

So, where am I headed - well kids are my priority now for next 5-10 years. They will be the primary parameter for decisions to come.

Ideal setting is - a place like farm, an initiative like farm that pays salary and has more people to work with on something really valuable and meaningful.

I am both little sad and happy, little excited and nervous about this move.

But I know - looking back - ! that all life gives is lessons to grow saner ! All I have is deep gratitude for life and all it's nuances.

:-)  let's see where I write next blog from...

this is from farm ;-) 

Dilemmas of contentment

Life is Good, beautiful. We are at farm with my two lovely young kids, a very supportive, kind, loving wife. An satisfactorily understanding and loving family. A beautiful sorrounding amidsts mountains, rivers, trees, buterflies. Finances continue to be myseriously managed. No dearth of it inspite of no direct major earning from my activities. Wisdom is growing as well, some level of inner journey is on. Physically , I am doing good. Content, joy , happiness, excitement - a lot of such things are in life. And then comes the famous ...But !

But ! Something is missing. I feel tempted to do more, to be more. Why ? I don't really understand. However, the desire to be somewhere else, to reach further exists. Is it an existential desire at play ? Is it some of my deep desires in disguise ? Am I looking for fame ? Am I looking for more validation for my work through others ? Do I deeply feel unsuccessfully content ? Am I chasing a larger dream of impacting the world ? Am I trutly compassionately driven or my personal insecurities and shortcomings pushing me ?

Nevertheless, that's where I am content and yet dissatisfied. I feel a phase that is always there to make your learn is here. All has come in life for a reason, for good. This is surely no different. It's purpose and importance might only uncover with time.

Fuh , a deep breathe and the slight feel of gratitude and love emerges. God, give me strength to move out of me. 

Itna Sannata kyu hai bhai

Fuh ! 2 years I guess since I wrote something here. A lot of water has flown past. We have Janmejay with us :-) , Devagya will turn 2 soon. Farm will be almost 6 years old, a lot of trees have grown 6 feet plus. Life has moved quite a bit. But the emptiness, the purposelessness remains !

I've no idea how these two years passed by, when Devagya grew up from that infant in my hands to this hard to catch boy in the playgrounds ! I am living asleep, no inspirations to wake up. Life is passing me by, I know i am running out of time, I know the timebomb is ticking and soon I'll be dead and yet - all that matters most to me is that Samosa, that little appreciation from society,  that high of happiness !

I wonder why we wait for that disasater in our life to take that strong stand. It is so damn comfortable to be living in comfort zone, not change , not drive your life but to just keep flowing ! It's so easy and dissatisfying at the end of it. What's worth - to live your life at peak of awareness , activity and silence - calls for a different kind of discipline, order, commitment, sacrifice ! - which doesn't come easily. Most often a disaster in our lives trigger it ! We all wait for it, if it doesn't happen - we vegetate for all our life.

Fuh ! How can I let life pass just like that ? I feel bad. I feel that I am being unjust to all the gifts given to me and yet I am unable to act.

THis inability also stems from lack of clarity - what should I do  ? Shall I get back to corporate ? Shall I immerse myself more in farm life - ? Shall I rather shift to Bhopal so that I can live with my parents ? Shall I work as per my preferences on Spirituality, Giftculture or do something more socially acceptable ? Help my brother? Shall I open a school for my two blessings ? If I leave, what will happen to Shantanu ? To Tapan's investment ? Shall I apply for a course ? Shall I just let things be as they are , accept them and move on ?

Frankly, no idea !

All I know is that some action/inaction is around the corner if I am not to vegetate.

Love and Gratitude to dear God for being so very kind everytime.

Thumbs up and Palti

Thumb is inside the mouth most of the time these days....he sleeps with thumb inside ! It soothes him so much...that I wonder.

He has been learning to roll to side - take palti ! He can now turn upside down but cannot turn back. But he enjoys being on his stomach...

Man...how angry and irritated he goes when his thumb is taken out of his mouth either deliberately or by mistake !

Interestingly, if we talk to him - get engaged with him in conversation or in some activity...he himself slowly lets go off thumb and gets involved with you !

His laughter has become so esctatic ! ...when he laughs his belly out...Oh my God ! ....it brings the world down....

No reasons...when he laughs...he just laughs...I can say something sensible or nonsense...he just hears words and starting laughing like a buddha ! and we all just feel so damn amazing .....His laughter is so amzing that at times we stop making him laugh....because it appears so dangerous that it might lead to something dangerous.....dunno...this is strange feeling..

Now he has also started recogninzing faces little bit....smiles at most faces though....he is slowly learning to assert his wish to move from one hand to another by moving his head and hand away ...

his emotions are becoming clearer with day...and more varied emotions are visible...

Laughter...joy....discomfort, frustration, curiosity....irritation ...are common onese ! 

Devagya's Smile moments...

At age of 3 months...there are few sure shot ways we have discovered to make him smile...! Well...actually he smiles for no reasons  too....but these ways have shown more than 70% hit rate as of now...

1.)Bhagwat Geeta Shloka...  : Right from conception, we used to sing 5 verses from Bhagwat Geeta - Chapter 4. I think he likes the sound of it. Whenever he is cranky...crying a lot - this is my last resort. So far it has hasn't failed.

2.)

Thumb Sucking - Devagya's time pass..

Right from first month , devagya was keen in sucking his thumb like other children...However, with time it is increasing ...by third month - it is quite clear, evident and Devgya is little stubborn now with thumb....

He wants his thumb in his mouth...if you remove it...he yells like anything...gets angry ...cries....! Fuh...But interestingly if you are entertaining him...talking to him...he himself removes his thumb...! So, it looks like he wants thumb when he feels lonely ...or has nothing else to engage with ....

He often falls to sleep when while sucking his thumb...we allow it...infact often it is a relief ! Her mother will now give his thumb into his mouth if he is cranky or not sleeping...though she does it rarely...as last resort...!

A lot of views came about thumb sucking...some say stop it...discourage it ! Thumb will become thin...teeth will become bad...what all....But what I feel is that child knows best what he wants...so let him do as he pleases....! at worst...a thin thumb or slightly skewed teeth are much better than an unhappy childhood....! We believe that it is natural and with time he will automatically leave it...as it has happened to many...including his sister Dhiyara....!

Reaching out .....begins

Just close to completion of 3 months...a new sign is seen....Devagya is now using one hand (right one...) to reach out to things...! Though the fist is closed and he still cannot catch..but it appears like he's trying to touch something....! He swings his hand repetedly towards one things...! It could be a colorful cloth...face of his mother....moustache of his father , nose of grandfather...earrings of grandmother....! Slowly now ,the other hand is also becoming active...but right had still moves far more than left...!